Okay, I’m in a Funk….
As Scott has begun to have a routine of his own, he works on our project from 7:30-4:00, I’m finding myself at a loss, as to what to do with myself. It’s a very strange feeling for me that no one expects me to be anywhere. I could just sit at home alone all day long and no one would even miss me. (don’t panic, I’m OKAY, really) I have no one expecting me to be or do anything at all. This is not a familiar feeling for me and I’ll admit I feel a bit lonely and kinda lost and not a little useless. Right now I don’t feel like I have a ‘purpose’ to my days. I’m enjoying going to the gym and swimming and getting exercise, but the gym is a very quite place. I’ve always been such a people person. Whew! I knew I would miss the social aspects of my salon, the people, the fun conversations about books and life and gossip and the laughing and joking and the reward I got from giving of myself to make people feel good. I know I’ll eventually find my new purpose but at the moment I’m just a bit lost, although at the same time, kinda feeling as though I need to embrace this moment and sit with it so I can process what I’m going through and move forward in a healthy way. Just writing it down feels a little bit better but I don’t like to sound like I’m so pathetic and that’s exactly what it sounds like when I read back to myself what I just said. Geesh! (eye roll!) Well, it’s honest and I think it’s one of the things you like about following my journey. I know it’s one of the things I like about sharing it, being open and revealing to you what this new beginning is truly like for me. (shrug!)
My good friend called this time , “A Rollercoaster of Awareness” I love this!. After she said that I had to just think about all the ‘Awareness’ this new life has brought to the surface for me. All the new things I’ve become aware of since moving and leaving behind everything I know. Awareness of where I ‘fit’ in my new life. This is something I’m still figuring out. Awareness of what I left behind. Right now I feel painfully aware of a feeling of grief for what I left behind, as well as a feeling of fear, loneliness, sadness, confusion, of not being exactly clear about what my new ‘purpose’ here will be. Don’t misunderstand that to mean regret, because grief , in my mind isn’t the same as ‘regret’. I have not one tiny bit of regret about making this move, I want to be very clear about that truth. All these feelings are, I’m told by those who have been exactly where I am right now, very normal. I think this early stage of this life change has been so full of so much ‘busy-work’. Getting settled and adjusting to all the newness, new people, new customs, new language, new activities, not working (a very big one!), new car, new house to live in, just every single thing in my life has been changed. It’s been nearly 8 months of adjusting and celebrating how pleased we are with this move. We really made a good move, in so many ways, but that doesn’t mean that leaving my other life is easy and painless. It’s an end of a life , that I haven’t given myself permission to really mourn. Well, maybe not an ‘end’ exactly, more of a ‘moving forward’. A loss, in some ways. Yes, Self-induced, but loss nonetheless. And so far I’ve been busy feeling so happy and excited and adjusting to so much that’s new and very different and now, as life is beginning to take on a certain ‘rhythm’ and slowing down a bit, I’m beginning to feel the sting of all I left behind and the realization is seeping in, that now I need to figure out a new path for myself. It’s almost like being 18 all over again, and I have to figure out what I want to do with the life ahead of me. Except, when your 18 your much more anxious to move on down the road, your leaving your childhood and ready to make your mark on the world, to do important things and figure out who you are, blah, blah, blah. This time of my life, right now, is kinda different because I feel like I’m making a much more ‘mindful’ adjustment to my path, making changes that are a reflection of who I know I am.
I loved what I did with the first part of my life. I had a great time, and felt so much reward in so many different ways. Fulfilling…. that’s what my life was. I was extremely fulfilled by the path I followed and by the way I lived my life. So, now, I wonder to myself, how I’ll be able to create that feeling again. Where to begin? I can only assume that given the fact that all I have at the beginning of this next chapter of my life is myself and my dear life partner ,Scott, I really need to nurture and care for and rediscover those two important things right now. Let me re-phrase that…because as I ponder what I just said, that all I have right now is Myself & Scott….that’s not really true, I have an adventure that’s opening up before me. We both, Scott & Me, enjoy the challenges and rewards of doing a project like the one we’re just beginning. We love learning new things together and joining together to achieve something that makes us feel self-sufficient and successful as a team. I think because, this rough construction part of the project is out of the realm of what I’m realistically capable of contributing much to, I’m feeling a bit left out at the moment. I’m backstage doing what I can. Believe it or not, I’ve taken over most of the cooking and grocery shopping as well as learning the book keeping for our three employees and trying to establish our bank account here in Panama. I know, Gasp! Me! Cooking? Crazy Huh? But It’s true, I’ve been making Scott Pancakes in the morning,(from scratch no less!) making sure he has plenty of homemade peanut butter cookies and then I make him a lunch and drive up to the property everyday to eat with him. And need I tell you how many loads of laundry it takes to make sure he has clean socks and undies and Jeans! Geesh! We didn’t really bring a large supply of clothes so I’m constantly washing. All this to say, I’m far from bored. And this post may sound a bit depressed? But, no, I’m not depressed and I’m not terribly unhappy, nothing like that. I’m just trying to put into words that I’m still adjusting to my new life, the part where I don’t have a daily, busy ultra productive, job that’s all consuming. I expected I would have some adjusting to do, and I would need to redefine myself , and here I am. As I travel on this “Roller coaster Of Awakening” I’m trying not to deny that along with the ups of my adventure, there are some downs and I suspect there will even be some loop de loops as well.
Today, is a bit of a down day, and Just as I was feeling so alone and “poor me” (sad face), I got an email inviting me to join a group of women who are learning to play Mahjongg! Smiling! I just love games and have already had one Mahjongg lesson with two really cool women so I’m thrilled to get to keep learning and to meet even more cool women. All this to say, I haven’t quite found my purpose or my routine exactly. I’m unsure of where or what I’m doing with myself yet and it’s not a place I’m accustomed to being in. I’m usually pretty sure of myself and of what I am doing, at the moment I’m feeling a bit adrift. But I know I’ll work through it and that with time, my new path will reveal itself to me. I’ll probably just realize one day, “wow! I’m doing so much that I enjoy!”. At the moment, I’m just attempting to process all this new freedom I have and even though I’m just thrilled to be here, I long to feel the same kind of knowing as I’ve had in my past life…Knowing that I’m following my path and doing all the things I’m meant to be doing. As soon as I’ve cleared the way enough to actually see the Path, I’ll feel much more grounded. For now I gotta try to sit back and soak up where I am in this moment, which is not a bad thing to try to do. Don’t let this post worry you, I know that settling into a new life is a huge process and it takes time. Guess what… I’ve got plenty of time!